Walking our streets in peace

Soon we’ll all be safe from chimps, and they’ll be safe from us.

If our legislators do their jobs (and yes that would be unusual) we can soon put an end to the epidemic of multiple-, even mass-murders committed by these primates over the last dozen or so years. It seems hardly a day goes by when some chimp or ape or baboon isn’t terrorizing a school or a shopping mall or a movie theater or a military base. And this doesn’t even take into consideration drive-bys and domestic disputes that seem so prevalent. Thank goodness (and just in time for the latest Planet of the Apes film) peace may be as close as the next Washington signature.

We should all be grateful to our elected protectors for taking this most courageous step toward curbing the menace. Thank you Chris Murphy, for one. When I voted for you I didn’t know you would someday shield me from animals too, otherwise I’d have voted more than once! And Senator Blumenthal, calling these rogue primates a “ticking time bomb,” well, that does capture the fear many of us experience whenever we step outside our homes these days, living (as we do) in this land of unregulated simians. Kudos to both of you.

Now I know some readers are thinking—hey wait, chimps aren’t really the problem. And those readers paying really strict attention probably caught me making stuff up—sometimes I do that. It wasn’t chimps terrorizing schools and malls, etc. It was people with guns. But guns…well, now…um…see there’s something we can’t address because, although chimps didn’t manage to get themselves included in the Bill of Rights, guns did—or at least muskets did—or at least a well regulated Militia did—which is almost like guys with unlimited access to assault rifles and all manner of automated and unregulated weaponry. Sort of.

But if we can’t do anything to eliminate gun deaths and actually improve life in America, at least we can stop the scourge of chimps…with a law no less. And before you go asking some moronic question like, can’t we pass a law that requires background checks for someone who wants to buy a missile launcher to protect his bird feeder from squirrels? well, it’s that whole musket and militia thing-y again. That and the fact that some folks just like to shoot things. Still, generations from now chimps will still shudder when they speak of their twenty-first century human regulators. Of course those twenty-first century humans still have a problem with the muskets, but at least there will be fewer domesticated primates to apply for (and no doubt receive) firearms permits—and that’s a good thing because you know, sooner or later, someone is going to inform the chimps of their Second Amendment rights.

Just a word if I might about Charla Nash whose bad fortune it was to befriend a woman who owned (kept?) a chimp. Despite Chris Murphy’s baffling comment (“I think she looks pretty good.”) no one is denying or making light of her suffering, nor is anyone claiming we don’t need laws to protect animals and the humans who interact with them. But in the time it took you read this, someone with a gun killed somebody. And though I don’t have the statistics to prove it, past history indicates that during the same time span, nobody was killed by a chimp.

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