Message from Nevada

Although I cannot vouch for its authenticity, this appears to be an intercepted email from Clive Bundy to Pope Francis:

Dear Mr. Pope,

I gots to tell you, I ain’t real happy today on account of your meeting up with that Kim Davis person from down there in kentucky. It ain’t on account of I don’t agree with her—I don’t see no reason either for gay people to get married, not in the U.S. of A where our sons and daughters been fightin’ for freedom. And it was mighty good of her to take the Jesus side of this, because it was Jesus who said right there in the Bible that he was agin gay marriage, ‘ceptin I think he used the word homosexual. It’s in one of the chapters near the end, Genesee or Exitus or somethin’.

So right on, your honor, you and them cardinals, but if you was gonna talk with her, then what about me? I don’t want to brag, but I’m disobeying the government and the constitution and that there president which he wasn’t even born here and I been doing that way better than she is—been doin’ it for a year now. Plus, I got 600,000 acres—that’s a spread about ten times the size of yours out there in Rome—and I got livestock eatin’ for free to provide good steaks for Americans who can afford it. Kim Davis? Well she got a bunch of husbands, but that ain’t nothin’. I know cattle got more husbands than she does, if you know what I mean.

Now I hear you told that woman to hang in there or somethin’ like that. I got no problem with that. I always say it’s the duty of every American to put his self above the law when that law don’t suit him. That’s why I like that Tea Party bunch—that’s what you call their founding principle. After all, the constitution ain’t no more than a piece of paper some old guy dreamed up about a hundred years ago. We ain’t even gonna keep his face on the ten-dollar bill anymore so that shows you. See what I mean about you having a little confab with Kim Davis? All she did was say no to some guys fixin’ to marry each other—what I did was get a lot of crazy people with guns all worked up and ready to shoot a bunch of lawmen. Bloodshed and war. See the difference, your highness? (Does that Vatican place have a militia? You can get back to me on that.)

Anyway, next time you’s in the states, instead of kissin’ up to people in congress (some of them’s gay, you know? Plus they got the Negro) y’all come out to Nevada and I’ll slaughter you up a steak make you glad Fridays don’t count nothin’ for catholics anymore.


ps: I’m thinkin’ now maybe you don’t know me, so here I am on the TV. And before you ask, yes, I can get you a hat like that.

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