Bozo in a Baseball Cap—Sign Here

I would officially like to volunteer to be registered for that new American database.

No, I’m not a Muslim—really not much of any religion—but as I get older I’m hardly allowed to sign up for anything anymore. I can’t register to vote; I can’t register for the draft; I don’t register for road races anymore, and registering my car every few years is a costly bore.

Last spring my wife and I did travel to Florida and I did register at a hotel, but I didn’t really sign a register—I just handed the nice man a credit card and scribbled my name on something where I guess I promised to pay it off someday. And I probably will. If I don’t I suppose I’ll go to prison, but I don’t think I’ll have to register for that either.

So although I agree that registering a religious or ethnic segment of U.S citizenry—or any group other than maybe criminals, pedophiles, and robo-callers—serves only to epitomize ignorance, bigotry, and fear-mongering, hey, it’s all some of us have. And since there will probably be a windshield sticker and maybe an ID badge of some sort—can you blame me for wanting to belong?

But, as luck would have it, as soon as someone in a red baseball cap wants to make America great again by turning one citizen against another, some meddlesome politicians have to ruin it:

  • Jeb Bush, for instance: “…you talk about registering people — that’s just wrong.”
  • And Chris Christie: “the establishment of a national registry based on religion will do nothing to keep us safer.”
  • And playing both sides just in case, Ted Cruz claims to be “a big fan of Donald Trump’s, but [not] of government registries.”

So it appears that it’s just Donald Trump and I holding out, and even he and his red cap are backing off. He has even claimed he didn’t understand the question about a Muslim registry. I’d like to think he’s telling the truth, but a failure to understand the question never stopped him before.

I guess Ben Carson might be an ally. Of course he’s still campaigning to get a crucifix atop of every mosque, but once he gets past that, I’m sure he and his band of evangelical zealots will find a moral method of persecuting Syrian refugees and anyone else not as American as he is. Maybe some sort of registration will be part of that, but until he establishes his position, here I remain, unregistered.


No, I won’t give in, but I now I understand why so many people own weapons: at least they can register something.


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