Buying shorefront property? Today’s the day.

The environmental crisis has ended!

Generally I avoid the use of exclamation points, but a day like this calls for celebration because, if what we’ve all witnessed in the three presidential debates is indicative of our world, we are safe. (I almost used another exclamation point but I caught myself.)

In fact, I expect, over the next few weeks—maybe even the next few days—that

(1) The Antarctic ice shield will spread and thicken—you’ll be able to measure the progress with a speedometer;

(2) Hurricanes and typhoons will diminish in intensity—we’ll rename them sprinkles;

(3) Ocean levels will begin to fall—freighters crossing the Pacific will scrape bottom;

(4) Coral reefs will repair themselves and return to their previous orangeness;

(5) Western wildfires will extinguish themselves—smokejumpers will don scuba gear;

(6) In the large cities heat stroke and hyperthermia will no longer be a summer concern—fleece-lined shorts and t-shirts will be the rage;

(7) Little enclaves of carbon dioxide will get together and agree to stop greenhousing our atmosphere;

(8) An island in Virginia, predicted to disappear in fifty years, won’t…and you’ll need a stepladder to reach it;

(9) Vector-borne illnesses will disappear and all mosquitoes will agree to live only on the equator;

(10) The Alaskan permafrost will rise again, better than ever—thicker and colder, and all the previously buckled roads and cracked foundations will repair themselves.

There’s more too, but the the important thing is that we apparently no longer have to worry about any of it. Maybe Trump was right—climate change is nothing more than a Chinese conspiracy to sell more solar panels and low-flow shower heads. I hadn’t thought so before the debates started, but the fact that not one moderator in any of the three debate actually posed a question about climate change to either candidate brought it all home to me.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m having my gas heating system converted to coal…and before you even think to ask…no, not clean coal. That’s for wimps.

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