Rick Perry Refutes Science with Proof
Energy Secretary Rick Perry, who shortly after his appointment admitted he didn’t even know what the Energy Secretary does, is learning fast.
This week he’s in Ferryland, Newfoundland (that’s him in the red toque—no not that one, the other one—near the house—no not, oh never mind) celebrating Earth Day by refuting “all that nonsense” about global warming, using for proof an iceberg that ran aground nearby.
“Fifteen stories tall,” Perry said, after which he showed us another photo from his phone where the massive object actually appeared to be a house—albeit a house with an attached border wall and gun turret. (below) He got right down to business. “According to the experts,” Perry said, “you can see only ten percent of an iceberg. If that’s true, then I think we know why the oceans are rising. That ice is displacing all the water. Once that thing melts—and it will melt when the sun gets closer in the summer—you’ll see an end to flooding in places like Miami and the underwater island of Nuatambu in the Pacific.”
Perry was eager to point out that any climate that could support an iceberg 200 feet high was, in fact, not nearly warm enough. “If we could get all these suckers melted,” he said in that drawl that makes him sound either folksy or moronic depending on one’s political persuasion and level of intelligence, “the water would settle down to a normal level in no time.”
But pumping tons of CO2 into the atmosphere is a slow and tedious process, he admitted, refusing to rule out the use of thermonuclear devices to speed the melting. “On this one though,” he said, pointing to the glistening colossus, “just get me a MOAB and a plane to drop it from.”
Ferryland, a village about 35 miles south of St. John’s, boasts a population of under 500 and lies at the eastern edge of Newfoundland, just over a thousand miles southwest of Greenland. Icebergs are frequent visitors to the area. Most of those facts were lost on Mr. Perry who could remember from geography only that Greenland was ice and Iceland was green.
One of the locals asked him if he thought Newfoundland, New Brunswick, and Nova Scotia were, by his line of reasoning and mnemonics, old places. He said he wasn’t sure, but would run the question past Ben Carson who was supposed to meet him there later and discuss the feasibility of using icebergs to store grain.
“Like the pyramids,” Perry added. “We’ll see. Could be a game changer.”
As he walked away one of the locals pointed out to him that Ferryland is a mere fifteen miles from Witless Bay. Perry, who once called Juarez the most dangerous city in America, referred to the revolutionary war we fought in the 1500s, and praised George W. Bush for defending us from freedom, didn’t see the relevance.