Look, everybody, I’m a writter

I was reading about a new plan to turn student loan administration over to the Treasury Department when this statement caught my eye:

President Trump embraced the idea, saying in his book Crippled America that the [education] department should either be eliminated or have “its power and reach” cut.

Politics aside…in his book? His book?

Donald Trump ain’t never written no book. The fact that he would probably find nothing egregious in the previous sentence is proof.

He doesn’t know how to research, how to winnow the facts from the lies, and I would venture to say from his use of “huge” to modify everything from tax breaks to icebreakers to the chimerical crowds at his inauguration, he has little more than a rudimentary grasp of the English language. He has never struggled over the Oxford comma or the citing of sources or wondered whether a semicolon was needed or it was time for a new sentence. Someone did all those things, but it wasn’t our halfwit president.

I have written eight novels and published two— a feat which puts me in the same company as (by my unofficial count) trillions of other sentient creatures throughout the universe. Nothing of mine is going to threaten The Great Gatsby as America’s quintessential novel, and so far no college professors have approached me about a course detailing my meteoric rise, not even a hack from Trump U. (The fact that I didn’t have a meteoric rise may be the problem here.) But speaking on behalf of all struggling novelists, all serious bloggers, all reporters and journalists, all high-school English instructors trying to coax a competent five-paragraph essay out of their students—in short, all human beings with any respect for words and how we use them, please, I’m entreating everyone, don’t call Donald Trump a writer, not even implicitly by using the term “his book.”

It’s an affront to all of us.

A huge affront.

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